My underwear smells like fireworks.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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