The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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