I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
