last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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