I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
