remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
