2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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