I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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