My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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