My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
