Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Randomize
