Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
