one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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