I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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