we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
