Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
