Someone shit on the floor
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
