do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
