also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
