in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
