so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
