you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
