Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
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