Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
