I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just forgot I was standing up.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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