I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
