Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
