Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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