i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
