The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
