After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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