Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
