the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Best friends brother. Beat that.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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