I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
