I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
