How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
