I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
