i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
