We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
