i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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