Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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