I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
