You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
