Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
