You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I would fuck him just for his dog
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
