he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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