I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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