Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
