It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
