everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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