He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
